Archive for February, 2010

3D is a fucking gimmick!

I saw Avatar a couple of weeks ago. At a theater. In 3D. Let me tell you about my experience.

When I arrived at the box office I was prepared for my normal culture shock of a $8.00 matinee (don’t get me started on how overpriced I feel this is ANWAY). But instead, I was treated to a much more intrusive price tag to see Avatar, $11.00. For a matinee.

After paying, I handed my ticket to the ticket taking guy and he handed me the new Holy Grail of cinema, a pair of hideous 3D glasses in a plastic bag. I was not to be using these glasses as sunglasses mind you, the warning on the package was clear, honestly I don’t have enough hipster in me to actually attempt this. In order to make this glasses situation a bit more palatable, I wore my contacts that day so I wouldn’t have to deal with the double glasses situation. And let me say that I am very glad i did. These glasses were NOT designed for anyone that actually needs glasses to see.

So I tear open my plastic bag and toss it in the provided can, ready to see the highest grossing film of all time in the format that is lauded by every corner of mankind, foreign and domestic. And with great anticipation, the experience begins.

I have to say, Avatar is hands down the best presentation of 3D I have ever seen, and I have seen a few. I was definitely awed by the first 20 minutes. I say 20 minutes because by about minute 22 it was old news. The effect wore off and I was just watching a movie. You don’t continue to notice the 3D, as you shouldn’t. 3D is only an effect as long as it is distracting you from the movie, after that, I’m sorry to break it to you folks, you are just watching a movie.

On that note I would like to say that Avatar was mediocre movie at best, and I mean AT BEST! To add insult to injury I was put through a 3 hour romp in the forest that takes stabs at  military, business, and technology all for a message of conservation and eco freindliness. Did anyone else notice that they just opened a pair of throw away glasses from a plastic bag in order to watch a movie that could only have been paid for by HUGE business interests, only to throw the glasses in a big trash bin on exit.

The mechanics of this film’s presentation violate all of its axioms with one sided evil characters that you could only imagine tortured kittens to their glee as children. But this isn’t a movie review, if it were, it would be a scathing one.

After Avatar 3D I had to ask myself if my movie going experience had actually been enriched by a technique. There have been evolutions in film over the years, beginning with consistently timed motors, sound, and color film stock. Is this one of those steps for us in cinema history? Many would argue that it is, but I hope not. Movies are too expensive as they are, but we don’t need the cost of making them to actually increase not to mention projection and the waste created by those godawful glasses.

And a nomination for Best Picture by our Academy of Motion Picture Arts. Avatar wasn’t even the best sci-fi film of 2009. Sigh.

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Chatroulette, a new low even for the net

Chatroulette HunterWe as a species have seen so much emptiness, loneliness, and depravity in our increasing exposure to these series of tubes. Being a man of greater experience then most with this world wide web, you’d think that I would have seen just about the worst parts of humanity as displayed in the anonymity provided by the digital shadows. Yet innovation never fails to bring us something all the more expressed then before. The newest edition to our tradition of technology abuse is

Curiosity was my motivation, closeups of masturbating penises the result. In 30 minutes I managed to see more penis then I will ever be comfortable with. I just have to say right now that chatroulette is scary. After 10 minutes you inevitably begin to feel the desperation and lack of respect that people have for each other, especially under the shroud of anonymity. I tried more than once to actually hold a conversation with some of the people I was matched with, even those whom I could get more then 2 words from didn’t hang out any longer then it took to determine that I wasn’t someone they could masturbate to.

I would call chatroulette the new “b” but that would imply that it isn’t much more sick then even 4chan offers. Chatroulette couples the more extreme content of “b” with the anonymous live assholes. We are all now dumber for having seen it and may God have mercy on our souls.

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