It’s genuinely easy to look upon others with a sense of superiority, or at least a saccharine pity, when the subject of addiction is broached. We all have the black sheep in the family (and for some of us it’s the whole family), that has a drug or alcohol addiction, allowing it to ruin every thing that did or could make that person great. There are few things in life akin to the sorrow of disappointment in others with potential.
I dare say that these obsessions, these addictions, are just easy pickin’s. I for example drink very little. I do not smoke, nor do I engage in illicit substances abusively or recreationally, yet I am prone to my own obsession that both rob me of the life I could lead and the concentration, at times, even to dream.
I say that it is not fair to drape your pity across the face of those who do indeed abuse substances without first examining both the course and the quality of your own existence. What is to be said about the foodie? Or the geek? Or the gamer? What of the film snob? And the techy? And the musically obsessed? Are they immune to societal pity?
In every society, in every group, in every walk of life, there exists a double standard. A pass is given to those perceived to be in another class. I spent some time recently thinking about these things. I can’t say that I have had any particularly snotty attitude about those that suffer from the vices that we can all agree on, but it was quite the awakening to see myself through this lens. Me as that addict. I am obsessed with technology and it’s trappings.
What have I become (a question that could almost illicit a chuckle for the nature of my confession)? As a much younger man I dreamed of making film and shooting powerful photography. I dreamed that I could do something and contribute to the greatness that is our existence on this troubled rock. Looking back I can’t say that I have regrets, and I am cautious to blame my failings on something external because I truly know that this struggle is purely my own. That said, it IS true that I have one great obsession; one thing that consumes my mind so much more often then it should. Technology. It sounds almost silly, yet there are holes in my life; little gaps that my dreams have rushed through.
I felt compelled to write these things not for the mental masturbation that saturates the emo blogs of my contemporaries; but instead because to me, this is important. I see myself as an introspective type, but I didn’t see this coming at all; and I know I am not an island. This is war, and the only weapon is to address it. I volley against my double standard and I reject my judgment before any can be carried out on me. It is no different that I spend hours reading about hardware and software and phones and memes than if I spent that time with a bottle (and a toilet).
I think this is the part where I try to figure out what this all means. Unfortunately, I haven’t made it there yet. It is a very important thing to know that you have a problem, until today I was in the dark. I fear that I know myself too well, that change will be too hard fought and that my battle will be lost. I imagine that there are many of you out there that will scoff at the very nature of this confession and conviction but this is not for you, this is for me; and I have some very dusty dreams. Today is dusk or dawn, I cannot tell, but tomorrow I hope that I will see the light. It can only get lighter, or darker, from here.